Who you gotta blow to get some Udder Butter on a Saturday afternoon in this town?

Oh, this is awful. Stinky the Cat has crusty, irritated nipples right now, we presume because one of his misguided acolytes is trying to nurse on him. We discovered this a little while ago, and, as with all things cat (or human, come to think of it) that don't threaten imminent death or disfigurement, we decided to wait a while and see what happened before getting the vet involved.

Well, they still haven't healed, so I started exploring cat nipple-care options on Thursday.

I quickly discovered the remedy through a slightly humiliating conversation at Spider House that went like this:

Lori (who just moved back here and has worked at a vet's office for the past year): How's Stinky?

Me: He's fine. Except he has crusty nipples.

Lori: Well, you could some Udder Butter, or some Bag Balm.

Steve (whom I barely know): Stinky is your...boyfriend?

I have thought about this conversation since, and I have decided I am grateful beyond measure that I don't have a crusty-nippled boyfriend named Stinky. I can't deny it, life is good sometimes.

So anyway, Eric (whose nipples are fine, by the way) and I spent a good part of this afternoon searching for Udder Butter.

None at the pet store. The salesgirl got very quiet for a moment and then shook her head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, I can't help you," when Eric told her we needed it for our cat's crusty nipples. Then she disappeared into the stock room so fast I thought maybe we'd hallucinated her.

None at HEB, although this time we were smart enough not to tell the woman in the cosmetics aisle why we we needed it.

Both feed stores within striking range were closed before six p.m. and are closed Sundays, so that didn't help us.

None at Wheatsville, that I saw. I didn't have to the heart to ask anyone about it there.

We're going to try Walgreens in a little while, and if they don't have it, Stinky will have to wait until Monday, I guess.

I mean, I don't want him to be uncomfortable, but I'm not spending my entire weekend looking for nipple salve. And while I certainly don't want his little nipples to fall off, it's not like he needs them, right?

Update: We found a tin of Bag Balm at Walgreens. Bag Balm and Udder Butter, by the way, are ointments for cows. And cats. And, apparently, humans; it's like the miracle skin-care equivalent of Mane 'n' Tail shampoo. (Not all that) interestingly, there was no sales tax on the purchase, I guess because it's primarily for agricultural use. Well, that's fine; I think having a cat with pink, supple nipples is as worthy a cause as any for tax-exemption purposes.

And with that, I promise to never write about cat nipples again.

Comments

[fruit]

just in case the bag balm doesn't work out, look for lansinoh (or just plain old lanolin, which should do the trick, too), which is for nursing (human) mothers. should be in the baby care department.

[mando]

oh, come on, i'm sure you can find another reason to write about cat nipples ...

ERIC HAS NIPPLES!?

[Ian]

Bag Balm is available at the Vermont Country Store. This is a long URL, so you should cut and paste into your browser:

http://www.vermontcountrystore.com/shopping/product/detailmain.jsp?itemID=8413&itemType=PRODUCT&RS=1&keyword=balm

[St. Murse]

Please, I beg of you, if another cat nipple incident occurs, blog it. You've made me cry tears of laughter again Joolie.

I swear, there needs to be a WYSIWYG show in Austin. For Joolie.

[receptionista]

when i got my first tattoo, the guy who did it recommended bag balm for use in healing. i had that tin of bag balm in my bathroom for years, and wondered if anyone thought it was unusual. a big old tin of cream for cracked cow udders in my bathroom, like it was no big deal.

[Megin]

My mom has always kept a tin of Bag Balm in the house, though I think it's primarily for her dry, cracked hands. Good stuff.

Hope Stinky is back to his soft-nippled self posthaste. :)

[JuicyV]

This is the most awesome post I have ever read. I can't stop laughing. There is nothing like crusty nipples and bag balm to make one happy.

[John]

I had searched Google about crusty cat nipples and thanks to you I can now save my cat's nipples as well!

[Erin]

My cat too has crusty nipples and I got this when I googled...I have not laughed this hard in a long while. Thanks to you, I laughed so hard I required a pantie change! Thanks...I'll be slathering Mikey with Udder Butter tomorrow. :-)

[Holly]

This was fabulous! When I googled about red nipples for my cat, I was imagining all the porn sites that were bound to pop up. This was the first search finding, so you can imagine my hesitation when I clicked on it. I laughed so hard when I read this - and it helped so thanks for your help. You are a very talented writer. PS...did the udder butter work?

[Cat House Training]

The good thing about the Richmond SPCA is that it’ s a no- kill shelter so it’ s not like Hype’ s going to get put down because we didn’ t take him home. Eventually, he will find a home, hopefully a home that will teach him all the things his previous owners didn’ t, because really, he’ s freakin’ adorable and more than deserving of a house to call a home and a family to give him lots of lovin’.

[Udder Butter]

Hi. I can't believe I stumbled upon this blog.

I actually do the web site for Udder Butter, well the company that makes it, Summit Industries.

Anyway, here ya go:
http://www.summitinds.com/product/corona-products/corona-ointment-14-oz-jar.html

Hope that helps you - and you didn't even have to get on your knees. {wink}

Cheers!

[christian]

sorry, wrong link.

Here's the Udder Butter

cheers!

[amy]

Thanks! My cat has a crusty nipple and you've helped !